Mommy woes

Lets talk about those days that you want to rip your hair out, get in your pajamas and cry on your bed. Some days like today I had wished that I wasn't a mommy at all and that I was traveling the world. This morning when I got up O yelled at me because he wanted me to stay in bed for whatever reason, he ran down stairs and started yelling, "GET DOWN HERE!! PLAY WITH ME!!" I told him that we had to go visiting teaching and he needed to get dressed and I wasn't coming down until he came up and got dressed. I assured him that If we had time I would play with him. Of course this went on for about 20 min along with me chasing him around the house trying to get his clothes on and dodging hits trying to get him dressed. I sat down afterwards to write down a quote and cut it out. I got up to find a marker and when I turned around the scissors were missing. O was hiding on the other side of the kitchen island and I said "Bring back those scissors!" When he came around the corner his new shirt that I just took the tags off was all cut up. He knew he was in trouble, I waved a tired finger at him and told him that this was not okay and he said "I told you, I didn't want a shirt!"  I told him once again that this was not okay and sat him in time out. This was just the beginning of my day. 

Maybe 2 hours later we went to pick up lunch for my honey and as soon as we walked in he started wandering the place, not wanting to stand next to me he started screaming, "I can't and I won't, I not want too!!" "I said no lunch!!" I told him all the reasons why he needed to stay with me and to not touch this and that and tried giving him something to re-direct the current fight. He was fine while we waited and then when we got our food we headed out to the car. I opened to door and he took off; running as fast as he could through a very crowded parking lot, and I flipped. In my mind I could see him getting hit by a car and I was terrified.I started screaming "O STOP!! PLEASE COME BACK!!" The whole time he would continue to look back at me and smile. By the time I got to him he was almost to the street and I grabbed the collar on his shirt because that is what I could reach and yanked him to a sitting position. Of course everyone that was around was starring at me and I am sure they were all thinking "This lady can't even control her child" or "Can you believe she just pulled her sons collar and spanked him?" I made him sit with his back to the wall and we had a "talk" about why this was not okay, why I was scared and that he could have been hurt. 
We got in car and we had a talk about how if he wasn't nice that he is going to have a hard time making friends and if he wasn't going to be good and listen maybe we would need to find him another family. Of course this second part was all bull and I would never, ever take him to another family. I was a very stubborn child myself, and my parents used reverse psychology on me a lot and I felt like it worked. In my sons case, obviously it doesn't work, I feel so far it never has. He said to me that he was okay with that and he wanted another mom. He then also let me know how much he loves his dad. 

So anyway the rest of the day continued to be a happy time full of rainbows and sunshine. Days like this suck!! Honestly I can think of so many things that would make days like this better, and even at one point I thought to myself, "I am glad I work tonight." I know, I am a bad mom right?? Wrong. I am a great mom!! I love my son more than anything, I would do anything for him. I feed him and take care of him, I play with him, sing to him, read to him, listen to him and tease him. I do my best and that is all I can do. I feel too many times we are hard on ourselves for no reason. Being a mom is hard and that is okay. We all need breaks and we all have days that are hard. It's days like this that we wish we weren't moms, or wish we were somewhere else doing something else, but this is what we chose; and we choose it day after day. I will choose this over and over again. I love being a mom, it is the greatest most difficult calling I have ever taken on. Cystic Fibrosis, infertility, losing a son, and miscarriage are all hard things, but being a mom is harder, and I can do it, and so can you! It is so worth it!!