Wandering Heart

Every Christmas we decorate our tree and we pull out our ornaments. I have tons that I have made, some I have bought and special ones that we got for specific events in our life. O has his first ornament and we bought one for C as well. Every year when I pull out our first house ornament, our first year of marriage ornament, I start getting nostalgic and a little emotional. I get teary eyed thinking of the things C has missed and how we miss him every year. O put his and Cs ornament up this year and he put them close to together, and I love it. Pregnancy loss is hard. I have lost one baby at 23.3 (a second trimester loss), and one at 7.5 weeks (first trimester loss). Both are hard; as soon as you hear that sweet babies heart beat it gives you hope, it gives you joy and you start loving and caring for them. I do however feel like I am lucky. When we go through trials in this life, we don't always know why or what the purpose is behind them. I know exactly why I lost both of these babies. We lost C because he saved Os life. When we lost C I was devastated, I was depressed, worried and scared. I couldn't see why this would happen to me after all that we had been through with infertility. I was mad. I was mad that O wouldn't have a friend, someone to fight with, someone to play with, a brother. When I got checked into labor and delivery I thought we would lose O, I watched his heart rate drop to almost nothing, and was being threatened to get sent home. After Cs water broke I knew exactly why everything went the way that it did. It was suppose to be that way. 

When Timmy and I did our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) we were ecstatic when we found out I was pregnant. I was tired, and happy. When we heard our little ones heart beat we were guarded as we were told that its heartbeat was slower than usual and it was about a week behind in growth. They told us that this could possibly be normal because the embryos could grow slower due to the IVF process. We were told to wait an extra week to see if our baby would grow or pass, but they warned us the outlook was not good. When we lost the babe, I wondered again why. I was in pain, I cried, and was once again was mad. Almost a year later, I went to see High Risk Pregnancy Center to see if there was a reason I had miscarried these babies. They ran multiple tests checked for any blood clotting disorders and then also ran tests for Cystic Fibrosis (CF). I know now why we lost this baby. If I had never lost this baby, I don't know if I would have ever been diagnosed with CF. Sometimes I wonder if that would have been a good thing, but I know that I will now get the treatment that my body needs. I had asked 2 other doctors since my sisters diagnosis to test me. One doctor said no, that there was no way that I would have that. The other doctor wanted to wait until I was pregnant because it would be covered by insurance. Either way most likely I would get sicker and would have no idea why. 

That is why I consider myself lucky. In life everyone has trials, but through mine I have found answers and reasons behind them. This gives me peace, and comfort. We are so blessed to have O our little ray of sunshine. During dark times there is always light, even if it's behind a cloud.         

Getting sick and Getting better

6 weeks ago when we went to Disneyland for Halloween, I got a pretty bad sinus infection. I took 10 days of Augmentin, but I never fully got better. About 3 weeks after starting the antibiotics the sinus infection came back. My nose was pretty clear but my sinus cavities were extremely blocked. The CF clinic couldn't get me to be seen, so I went to an urgent care and they gave me a corticosteroid shot and then 10 days of doxycycline and 10 days of prednisone. I feel like the thing that really keeps me healthy and prevents me from getting sick is to take my prenatal vitamins, my prevacid, and my singulair. I have also been taking this stuff called Intramax, it has tons vitamins, trace minerals and probiotics in it. I personally feel like the first infection never really went away, but because of this my doctor wants me to get a CT of my sinus. I will get that done in Utah during Christmas week. I finally finished all my tests today. I was at the lab at 0630 got stuck 4 times, 9 tubes of blood, and a nasty glucose tolerance test. Next Wednesday I will have another clinic appointment to go over all my results.