10 Things I have learned through struggling with infertility

Things I have learned from infertility

• Things cannot be rushed. I am a person that likes having a plan and answers. Sometimes the plan is just to wait. I do not like waiting and people who know me would not call me a patient person. Patients is one thing that you will definitely learn through the infertility process. 
• Try to relax. RELAX yeah right...infertility is stressful. You don't know the plan, you don't have answers, you feel rushed, you want a baby. I get it, but being stressed out will only cause more troubles for you. I admit during all my years of infertility I have had numerous breakdowns, cries, and panic attacks. The best thing I could tell you is focus on the reason you are doing it...remember you can always take a break, or go slower. Someone said to me with my last miscarriage "You know you don't even have to do this..." That was when I realized all the stress, not knowing, and not having answers was exactly what I wanted. Because I want a baby. 
• You can't control anything about fertility. This was the hardest thing I had to learn. Everything that happens to you or your baby or your hubby is not always controllable. You can't control how many eggs you get, or if the baby will attach, or even how your body will react to all of it. I wanted answers, I wanted to be able to fix everything, and you just can't. The sooner you realize this the more at ease you will be. God in the end has wheel. 
• Try to find things that make you happy. Go on dates with your spouse, travel, see a movie, get a hobby, help others. Taking time out for yourself can help your mind quiet, your soul feel fulfilled and make the waiting game so much easier. 
• There is always a reason to be happy. I used to have to look forward to one thing during the week that made me feel happy, or get me excited, sometimes even just to make the time go by faster. There is always a reason to be happy. 
• It is okay to get help. After I had my first baby I had postpartum depression pretty bad. Believe me I didn't want it, and I was still happy I was a mom. My hormones do not regulate themselves very well and I have no come to terms that maybe I will always be on depression medication, maybe I won't. It is okay to talk to someone about the way you feel. It may seem embarrassing or taboo, but everyone is crazy....Everyone's crazy looks different. 
• You can do whatever you want to do. People have opinions about EVERYTHING and they have no problems telling you what you should and shouldn't do. You do whatever you think is best for you and your family. Everyone has intuition, use yours, make it stronger. 
• Find someone to talk to with no judgement. This was for sure my husband. He was going though similar feelings and talking to him even with him not saying anything back was comforting. Just so he would know how I felt. But it doesn't have to be a spouse it can be a friend, a sibling and if you don't have anyone, just start writing. 
• People want to help. Our first IVF process we were so excited to share with our family and friends what was going on. In the end I felt overwhelmed because so many bad things happened the second time I thought it would be better to keep it to ourselves. Man, did that backfire. After I miscarried no one knew I was even pregnant and when I needed help with my son, my house, and myself no one knew. The third time I decided I would write things down, share them in a blog, and tell my family and friends. People want to help and people need help as well. I hope there maybe there is at least one person that is reading this that I am helping. 
• Going through IVF is totally worth it. Infertility is expensive right?? No kidding. After the consultation, the meds, the visits, the surgeries, the labs. It can get very overwhelming. We have taken out loans on our cars, opened credit card accounts, had yard sales, opened a gofundme account, had people donate....but let me tell you. In the end the heartache, the sleepless nights, the pain, the crying and the whole process is worth it. There is no amount of love that I could compare having a baby too. Whether you decide to adopt, foster, or infertility if you want a baby, don't give up because it is worth it, and you are worth it! 

26 weeks and counting

I am now over half way through my pregnancy. As 23-24 weeks approached, I had a lot of nightmares and stressed constantly about my baby. Not for any particular reason except that is when Corbin died. I am now 26 weeks; contracting some, and my cervix is slowly changing. I have already been taking progesterone shots of Fridays (makenna injections), so my OB decided to put me on Nifedipine every 6 hours while I am contracting. Each pregnancy I swell up like a balloon and have always wondered if I have pre-eclampsia. My weight increases quickly, I get headaches, my blood pressure is elevated and the swelling. The nifedipine has definitely been helping my blood pressure. Even with the Nifedipine I still have a few contractions a day, but that is much better than what it was. Every 2 weeks my doctor is going to do an FFN (fetal fibernectin) swab. When this test is negative it is 99.3% negative, but if it is positive there is a chance that you will deliver in the next few weeks. 

I have been worried this pregnancy but definitely not as much as others, my 4 year old has been keeping me busy and I like that I have distractions instead of focusing about the worry. My goal is to make it to 34 weeks. That would be 4 weeks longer than Owen and I am praying that my baby this time doesn't have to go to the NICU. I will however have to go back to work at 29 weeks, I took 2 30 day leave of absences, but will need to return after this one so that I don't lose my job. 

I will have my gestational diabetes test on Thursday this week and also another FFN test. I will keep you all updated with my pregnancy and Joannas, the closer I get the more exciting I am, I can't wait to hold these last two babies of mine and become a mother of 3. 

The truth about pregnancy

Everyone who is pregnant reacts differently. Some never get sick, some don't gain much weight, some feel for the most part normal and others do not. I am the later. I do not feel myself at all. My energy is drained, I get nauseous and puke the first 14 weeks, my immune system already being compromised (from the CF) plus the stress of the pregnancy makes me get sick easily, I gain weight like crazy fast (especially because I cannot exercise do to my high risk pregnancies), I get heart burn, my hair falls out and usually I get acne. So in other words I guess you could say that I feel beautiful when I am pregnant. 😒 The only part that is beautiful to me is the part where I am carrying another life in me and I love this being so, so much.  Anyway so far with every pregnancy I have been cautiously optimistic and very proud of every day that passes. I am now 17.3 weeks, I have been bleeding through my entire pregnancy so far and dread going to the bathroom for fear the bleeding will start again. It is getting more frequent but not more in amount, which is good. I get stressed to go to work and even dropped my hours to just one 13 hour shift a week. I want so badly for this baby to make it and I count down the days to when this baby is viable and able to be delivered without having too many complications. I currently see a High Risk team as well as my regular OB; both who I love and feel comfortable with. They are checking my cervix, blood pressure, and glucose levels closely, and I usually have 5 appointments a month; or more if I am having more problems. My tentative cesarean section is scheduled for 39 weeks which seems forever away. 3 times in my pregnancies I have gone in and my babies have no longer had a heart beat. It is heart breaking each time, and I pray over and over that I could not take that pain one more time. Sometimes I feel guilty that I don't think of my second baby (who my sister in law is carrying) but part of the reason I don't worry too much about that babe is because I know it is in the care of someone that loves it and is a superstar at carrying a babies.  I started this pregnancy doing a lot of meditations, praying and visualizing the health of the baby, and praising my body for carrying this lovely soul. I definitely feel like that helped me stay more positive and get the negative thoughts out of my mind.  The plan so far is to have two appointments this next week, and start makenna shots this next friday. Until then Keep Dreaming!!