My story of infertility is not much different
than a lot of other women’s.
Timmy and I tried for years, before moving on with
infertility treatments. When I was 14 I got really sick one night, but thought
I just had the flu like my older sister. I lied on the couch for days with
terrible stomach pains, until I could not walk. My mother carried me to the car
and drove me to our pediatricians’ office. They were convinced that I had a ruptured appendix
and I was sent to have surgery. Once they opened me up, it was clear that it
was not a ruptured appendix at all but all they saw was blood. The doctor
assumed that I was having a tubal pregnancy and was going to proceed to remove
all my reproductive organs. Fortunately for me there was a gynecologist outside
the door and they called her in. She identified the grapefruit sized cyst attached
to my fallopian tube and they removed only the damaged tube and the cyst
itself. They assured me the rest of my life that there was no reason that I would
not be able to have babies.
After my husband and I got married and got closer
to finishing school we decided that it was time to start a family. We tried for
only six months, but working in Labor and Delivery and with my history I knew
something was wrong. We tested hormones and sperm count and other labs in both
my husband and I. Everything was normal. I continued with the testing and moved
on to an HSG (hysterosalpingogram). This test checks the patency of your fallopian
tubes and in some cases clears them of “junk” and the patient is able to
conceive without any help. If any of you have had one of these you know what I
mean by “Just take a couple ibuprofen.” WOW!! That is one painful test; they should give you
something stronger than a Motrin. My fallopian tube was blocked at the top.
After talking to a few Obstetricians I felt confident to have a tubal-plasty to
try and restore my tube. I was unlucky and the tube was so damaged they cut out
my tube to prevent any other problems.
We knew at this point our only option
was In-vetro Fetilization. Now this was just our choice, others move to
adoption or deciding to not have children. For us this was the next step. There
is minimal funding for In-Vetro so through a lot of research we decided to take
a loan out on my husband’s truck, because it was paid off and the interest
rates were low. We went through the process with faith and support from our
family and friends. We were lucky and harvested 18 eggs, and all were
fertilized. Through the next five days of waiting for the five day transfer we
were left with 5 embryos. Our doctor implanted the best two, and the rest were
frozen. The next three days were difficult, on modified bed rest, I anxiously
waiting- wondering the whole time if the twinges you felt were a good or bad
thing. We were blessed to find out 3 weeks later that I was pregnant with
Twins. We were so excited but cautious. We knew the risks, but were so very
happy. As time went on we were able to find out that we were having 2 boys. We
picked out names and we started shopping for nursery and house items. We were
starting to get used to the idea that we were going to have two babies, but in
the 24th week we were devastated to find that our Corbin had passed
away. We were, in the end blessed with one healthy baby boy born 12 weeks
early, (his birth story will be in a separate post). After a few years we
decided to try again with a FET (frozen embryo transfer). We were successful in
getting pregnant but once again were devastated with the results (separate
post).
The hardest thing about infertility is that I can't stop thinking about it.
It consumes my life. Yes; I work, am a wife, a mother, I cook, I clean and
whatever else, but it is always in the back of my mind. It consumes my thoughts
with continuous questions about what I can do to get a baby. I look up adoption
processes, talk to people, think of ways to make more money, think of things
that might be preventing me from carrying a baby, things I can try to increase
my chances, look up surrogacy. None of these things get me anywhere. I dream
about getting pregnant and things going wrong or dream of people giving me
babies that I just love. I feel as though the universe is making my decision of
being done having children although every other mother in the world decides
herself when she is done. I am meant to have children; I love them, I want them
and I adore them. I have always been drawn to teaching kids; I get along with
kids better than adults, and have always been in Primary at church, or nursery.
I have taught them in the pool as a Water Safety Instructor, I deliver them to
this world and help them survive their most vulnerable few days on this earth.
I deserve to have more and feel I am always trying to convince the Lord that
it's a good idea to send me more, and then my heart breaks wondering if this is
not his plan. As I get older and older I am reminded that we are running short
of money and time. I still have hope, and O and this is what keeps me going.
I wish for one day that I will be free of this burden of not feeling fulfilled
as a mother and wife.
No comments:
Post a Comment